Creation

(Or Lack Thereof)

I have bipolar I disorder. I was in a manic episode from March of 2025 until the beginning of June 2026. In the time sense, there has been a noticeable lack of creativity sparking my brain. I mean tiny flashes. But nothing like the flash of the map with which I am used to writing..

In February, while writing on beehiiv, I completed 27 articles in 28 days. Admittedly, driven by madness, and an almost insatiable need to get shit from my mind to the proverbial page. To that end, I was using whatever I could: digital, pen, pencil, crayon, blood (yes indeed), whateva.

Thing is, I begin to wonder, when “sane”, can I actually put a coherent thought together, without it sounding forced, or heaven forbid, boring.

To that end, starting tonight, I am going to write a poem every two days, and start trying to get back in the rhythm of writing daily. I am not expecting wonderful quality. I just want to start bleeding from my good vein again, leaking that blood onto the tablet, so to speak. I want to catch that lightning fly. The elusive spark.

Right now, my mind is sludge. Muddied, although becoming clearer each day. I am taking a med called Lybalvi, and it is a killer. It helps me sleep, though, which is good. I survived on between 1-3 hours of sleep each night (if that) for months. Then, I would crash for maybe 4-5 hours once every few months. When I was in the throes, nobody could tell me shit. Buuuut, I was also prone to negative energy. Also, RSD is a piece of work!!! I got crushed many times. Managed to stay out of the grippy socks motel. Truly, I wouldn’t know where to go that would be safe for me.. Like I don’t care what kind of crisis I may be in, Ima need them to respect my identity, and I don’t know of a place like that around here. My treatment plan needs to be redone, because I will not go to the place I currently have listed. Need to get with Egg on that.

This ended up being longer than I wanted it to be.. I guess it is hard for me to abbreviate something as simple as I went crazy. Now,, I’m not. Now, I’m sludge. and stick to that. My mind wonders as I wander through the recesses of my memories, carving out space for new trauma processing. Ugghhh therapy on therapy. yep, i have a psych and a therapist. I love them both. I have only been with my current therapist for a year and a half. Before that, I had a 9 year relationship (professional) with my old therapist. I stopped going, because, truthfully, she was just too expensive and I couldn’t afford to go to her anymore. I raw dogged life for a while (I have been in therapy consistently since 2026. My new therapist is covered under insurance, and I have hit my out of pocket max, meaning all visits are covered 100%! Shit, I’m thinking about another gender affirming surgery.. Maybe I can squeeze it in before Jan 1. More on that later

Alright, enough. I planned on writing a quick paragraph and now look where we are hahaha.